HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT IN A RELATIONSHIP

Relationships are in danger as it seems that they do not stand the test of time. So many people leave a relationship after being together for only a few years. It is almost as if relationships have gained commodity status as it can be discarded when it doesn’t function anymore. It is also easy to replace an existing partner and therefore even less of an urgency to fix what is broken.

SUMMARY:

So many people crave a healthy independence in their relationship. Unfortunately, we first have to define the concept “unhealthy dependence” to be able to know more about what we want in order to get what we want. People find it amazingly reassuring when they can practice simple Meyotra techniques that hand them opportunities to observe, feel and share better within their existing relationship.

UNHEALTHY DEPENDENCE

Being dependent on others is a fact of human life but there is also a thought that lives in our heads that we should be independent and that we can also be completely dependent on only ourselves. We rebel against dependency as we are scared that might represent a weakness on our side. There are two concepts associated with dependence; healthy and unhealthy.

Let’s first look at signs of unhealthy dependence:
A classical representation of an unhealthy dependence is the feeling of being a victim. We blame life, society, God or other people about how we experience life. We do not take responsibility for our own life, by expecting others, especially our partners to make us happy. This means we are constantly dependent on our partner for any form of reassurance of our happiness. We are waiting for others to help us, as help must come from the outside while we stay passive.

We are not doing anything that makes us happy as we carry on doing things that stresses us, we stay in negativity, waiting for somebody to help us. We try hard not to need anyone, because dependence means insecurity and
weakness. The truth is that we are social beings who need human company and meaningful connections with others as much as we need the air to breathe. We need to receive and give naturally without the mind being involved. Basically, we must learn to depend in ways that are healthy for us.

HEALTHY DEPENDENCE

The first step in regaining a healthy dependence is to take care of our own well-being and our partner needs to do the same. We all take care of our own life business and we make sure that we do not interfere into each other’s life businesses. The more we put our focus on taking responsibility for our own well-being, the easier it will be to interact with others in a healthy dependence.

Healthy dependence means we generate strength and happiness in us, in order to recognise strength and happiness in others. When we in Meyotra practice meditation, yoga and tantra techniques with our clients, they regularly comment that for the first time they can observe clearly what is happening in their lives. They also express gratitude for being able to feel that they are truly alive and that they are able to share fully who they really are.

HEALTHY INDEPENDENCE AND A HEALTHY DEPENDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP

What is the difference between healthy dependence and independence? They actually do go together as a healthy independence is needed to support healthy dependence. Each of these concepts have a focus and we have to work that out in our own lives to reap the benefits of a relationship.

We have to be our own best friend first. This means we learn to honour ourselves for who we are. We see our strengths and weaknesses and we smile at them. We know we have everything in us to live the best version of who we are. To be able to see what we have, we need the skill of observation. It is possible to learn all these skills by experiencing techniques that Meyotra offers. Meyotra stands for the combined practice of Meditation, Yoga and Tantra techniques. 

Any form of healthy relationship starts with a dependence on our instinct that brings us to depend on others. To do that we have to be independent enough to start with ourselves. Awareness about self starts with meditation and we use active breathing to accomplish that. It allows us to dive deeper into our own beings. It allows us to get out of our minds which might run our show and we have no chance to see ourselves clearly.

CREATING MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS

Once we gained skills to be our own best friend, then life gains more meaning and we have some anchoring to live a life with meaning. The foundation of all of this is to be a healthy expression of who we are. We got to gather insights into what drives us, what lifts us up and what makes sense to us. We reach a point where we like ourselves, where we say YES to ourselves and we know which version of ourselves we want to live in this life.

Once we make peace with ourselves then we have some skills to move on then we have the foundation of our healthy independence with all what we have discovered about us and what we know we are able to do to live life successfully. We start to interact clearly with others and instead of having troublesome, meaningless and superficial connections we can train ourselves to become masters of meaningful connections that fulfil us. We might fall many times and without our foundation we might not get up again that easily but with our renewed inner strength, with the knowing of who we really are, we can learn to dance with excellence in our interaction with others.

The big question remains about how to combine being independent with living in a committed and long-term relationship. After we have gained some skills in independence we might do quite well to live our healthy independence and having good and fulfilling interactions with friends, family or short-term relationships. The concept of happiness in a long-term relationship is still far from being grasped by many people. When people meet they usually pour all the miserability of their relationship onto the table and on others.

STUCK IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP

Most people live in a long-term relationship and they see themselves as being stuck in something that depletes their independence. Usually love, sex, fun and enjoying each other’s company are something that lapse after a few years. We feel disappointed and stuck as there is no fun anymore, maybe no sex anymore or only sex with our outer shell as the whole of us is not present anymore. Life becomes dull, we fight, we search for lovers and we have no idea how to get out of this trapped situation. Whatever we try seems not to work and we feel hopeless and lost.

The idea of having a long-distance relationship becomes a viable option to many people. When we are not even our own best friend and we have lost the ability of creating meaningful relationships, this feeling leads us to become stuck even before we can start to change anything. A long-distance relationship creates the opportunity to fantasize and build many illusionary concepts. In the end it all boils down to having a real partner, with real flesh and blood features and someone who lives their own independence. What might have worked well in a long-distance relationship does not work well when living with a person every day of our lives.

DO WE STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP OR DO WE GO?

This question represents quite an irony as years ago we declared love to our partners, we declared that we want to spend the rest of our lives with them and now we question it all. This is the point where most people give up and decide to leave each other, to have an affair or get divorced. What a shame that we humans can give up as this is the most crucial time to learn about ourselves but only if we realise that blaming our partner doesn’t serve anything. On the contrary it makes things worse. Our partner shows us everything about ourselves and where we cannot love and accept what we find in us. Being in a relationship is the only and best school to learn to love ourselves, that is if we have the courage to go for all the opportunities that are presented to us by sharing life with another person.

ALL RELATIONSHIPS NEED HELP

We recommend to people to get some outside help with their relationships but with some conditions. If the help comes in the form of mind-based talking then we see it as a waste of time and money. If the outside help comes in the form of techniques, of self discoveries and opportunities to make up our own minds, then it can be highly  recommended. Relationships are always a threesome, relationships are never between two people. Each partner has to have a relationship with their own instinct and then there is hope to relate to a partner. 

Therefore it is recommended, as a first step, that we just get help for ourselves as individuals and we let our partners decide what is good for them. We focus on who we are first. Through Meyotra techniques we can learn how to reconnect with ourselves. We can experience how important it is to follow our own instincts and to realise that we should commit to what we find in us and not around us. When we connect to our own natural human instinct, then life comes back to us, then the smile returns and the relationship might experience its first real chance to be a fulfilling and rewarding interaction as both partners do not look at each other anymore but connect with what they find in themselves and we do express and share it with the other.

ENOUGH RELATIONSHIP DRAMA FOR ONE LIFETIME

As a person, we do need the commitment, the dedication and the willingness to practise the new skills we have learned through embracing our own beautiful natural human instinct. By walking away, to just get out of the relationship and looking for a replacement relationship as soon as possible, that means we will repeat the same toxic interaction with ourselves. The problem is in our relationship with our instinct and not in the relationship with our partner. Therefore, to exchange one partner for another will not solve anything. We do not talk about an abusive or life-threatening relationship but we talk about the normal daily drama we play with each other. 

We have built our hope of a happy relationship on the partner’s behaviour and after falling out of love the knight in shining armour image of the partner is gone and we are only confronted with what is in us. This is what remains, this is the real issue, this is the authentic part we have to address in ourselves. The masks are no longer able to stay up, the real faces show and we cannot ignore that and we have to face ourselves, unmasked and real.

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Surely relationships and being a couple is all about love, so, where has the love gone? There is the concept of “blind love”, a representation of falling in love that allows us to show our made up or party faces. The thing is that we cannot be in a party mode forever as it takes too much energy, as it is not real and one day we had enough. We cannot keep the pretend up anymore. Lots of scary emotions might surface, such as anger, fear, sadness, maybe even hatred. 

This is the moment to get help. This is the moment to be handed opportunities to see all that is in us and to see it by ourselves. This is not the time to talk as the mind is already in psychosis due to an overload of stimuli. This is the time to practice Meyotra meditation, yoga and tantra techniques so that you can see yourself, feel yourself and then be able to share yourself. Should any guru, Swami, priest, coach, psychologist or friend want to anchor you on mental patterns then we suggest you run. This is the time to face your natural human instinct, to embrace it with all you have in you and to be anchored in the only permanent and constant aspect of your entire life, your instinct.

BREATHE LIFE INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND BE FREE

We need to learn the skill to breathe life into all our emotions, to allow them to surface under the guidance of an experienced breath coach and to learn to let them go through breathing out. Emotions are the representations of shifts between our instinct and our mindsets. We do not want to experience more emotions although many people are addicted to the emotional rollercoaster in them and want the emotions to become even stronger. This is something we have to break free from as we will have to pay the price with developing physical and mental ailments. The list is long, it can be from stress to anxiety, fear, depression, burn-out, heart palpitations, digestive problems, headaches, muscle tension, eating disorders and many others. 

WE HAVE TO VALUE LIFE AND VALUE THE RELATIONSHIP

After a Meyotra breathing session, it is important to take some time to write down your experiences. We might be surprised how strong our inner guidance is and what got presented to us. A new hope, an inner light, a clarity might have presented itself and we suddenly know what our personal and unique next step is. This has nothing to do with our mind, usually we are very much mind orientated in the world we live in. The mind should be the last one to know as its role is to interpret what we have done and not tell us what we should do.

A Meyotra breathing session allows us to step beyond the mind and listen to what the belly / self / instinct tells us. Our personal instinct is always the guide, it is always the road, it is always our source of wisdom and energy. Without a strong connection with our own instinct we are oscillating between thoughts and we waste valuable life opportunities. When we value the powerful life energy that flows through us, when we value that we are the vehicle of that grand plan of reproduction instinct, that moment we understand the essence of being in a relationship, that moment we are given the opportunity to value the relationship we have. 

THE ONLY MISSING PART OF A RELATIONSHIP IS YOU AND YOUR INSTINCT

When practising the Meyotra techniques; then breathing, touch and intimacy become the indicators to realise that we have it all within us. We feel this life force running through our body, we know that it was there since ever, that it feels natural and that we just have forgotten about it. The moment we step up to our full expression of what we find in us, that moment we start a new and healthy life, a new and healthy relationship with our instinct, ourselves, our partners and with the people around us. That is also the moment we are able to let go of what is no longer needed and we welcome long lost treasures like joy, being alive, love.

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Love is a big word and to grasp that concept we first have to do our inner cleansing and connect with our inner being. Through the Meyotra breathing opportunities we are challenged about the depth of the concept of love as it might suddenly take on a new meaning. We suddenly realise that it is so easy to love, it seemed so far from us at first but it was all the time in us and is naturally a part of us. We just lost our awareness of love in us through our upbringing and the education we have received. Now that we have rediscovered the love in us, now that we know that we are love, this is the time to re-enter a relationship.

THE FINAL STEP TO AN INDEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP

The real life adventure starts when you face the natural human instinct in yourself. You left behind the mind games about who you are and who you should be. Now it is time to bring that newly gained love into our relationships. To present ourselves in the most authentic way possible and this can happen when we live our personal human instinct to the fullest. We live life without questioning, we live it without the “Why” and we live it with the “Whoa” that it demands. When we are and we live the way we instinctively are and when we are ourselves then we have independence from others and we have dependence on each other to satisfy the beautiful human instinct in us.   

All this might sound easy when expressed in words but it takes a commitment to express ourselves clearly, to not give up on showing who we really and truly are. When we are living the dependence / independence balance in a relationship then we are on the biggest and most fulfilling adventure ever. To assist you to reach your relationship goals, Meyotra offers meditation, yoga and tantra techniques to hand you opportunities to share fully who you are when with others. It is surely the best skill ever to learn in our life.

QUESTION:

How do you know that you live your natural human instinct?

Edith Maria du Toit